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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27878494">The Nutcracker</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaphaleRimsy/pseuds/RaphaleRimsy'>RaphaleRimsy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fanfiction for Fun! (FFF) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Dwarf (UK TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Chirstmas, Gen, Holiday, Humor, Story, The Nutcracker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:55:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,842</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27878494</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaphaleRimsy/pseuds/RaphaleRimsy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>sorry for any misspelling or bad grammar this Grammarly suck. if I got the story wrong tell me. i don't really remember as much about the story.</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fanfiction for Fun! (FFF) [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2130759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>sorry for any misspelling or bad grammar this Grammarly suck. if I got the story wrong tell me. i don't really remember as much about the story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rimmer walking to the sleeping quarters when he saw Raphael doing something. "uh Raphael, what are you doing?" "oh since you guys forgot Christmas exists. I started to put some decorations!" replied Raphael "yeah about that. um, we don't celebrate Christmas. actually, we never do." Raphael was surprised by what he just heard. "WHAT?? YOU GOT TO BE JOKING! Chrismas is the world's most important holiday ever since the earth was created!" "I think you mean ever since Jesus was born." "er..yeah that too." embarrassed Raphael... "well we don't celebrate it because 1. we hate each other and 2. there no gifts to give since were 3 million years from earth. so what the whole point of it. I think half of us don't been believing in god! if I were you. I rather take all of...those stuff to the trash."</p><p>when Rimmer left Raphael got a great idea, not a grinch idea and smart idea. ok, maybe a grinch idea yeah. </p><p>everyone is leaving the ship Kryten ask Raph if he wants to join. he said yes because it was part of his plan. besides he never gets to travel with them with is pretty sad if you ask me. wait am I supposed to be the narrator of this stupid story that makes completely no sense, sigh. it's Red Dwarf, of course, it's confusing. more confusing the Panic! At The Disco. heck I even mention Brendon's band where was I oh yeah! Raphael Christmas plan! wow, I was really off-topic, smeg... Anyway, Starbug ran out of fuel so they crush on a planet that is very much like disappointment island. "AH WERE STUCK ON A TRASHY PLANET!!" scared Cat "Cat were not on a trashy planet. it kind of look nice, besides the coldness." they all getting cold expect for Raphael (when I said all getting cold I mean all of them because technology too because you know why. I'm GOOD AT SCIENCE) "its s-s-so c-cold... is there any way we can make a fire," said Lister "oh yeah!" Raphael miracles a heater blanket for everyone! "Your welcome! hey, let's tell a Christmas story! if that necessary!"  Rimmer looked at Raphael angrily, "Raph-" Raphael turns his light bee off because he's sick and tired of him talking shit about Christmas. "as I was saying!" Raphael makes an annoying face 'Before I was rudely interrupted, here a nice story called the nutcracker!" "are we on it!?" asked Cat "well no.." "can we be on the story sir?" asked Kryten. Raphael sigh, "alright fine. once upon a time!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Story XD</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I tried my best to remember the story so I'm sorry if I got it wrong. so basically it's just Raphael telling the story but in a Dwarfy way. also</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I will probably say this too in the other fanfiction but, if you do not like reading you can listen to the read-aloud but this fanfiction isn't finished yet (so does the other one) so look out for the read-aloud post around my social media. (Tik Tok: Raphymates, Insta: Raphymates and Tumblr; Raphaleanimation</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a Christmas eve night, a transgender child named Dave Lister has existed about Christmas he has song tons of songs about talking a lot about it. his uncle named Kryten gave her a present he told her that he can open it. it was a nutcracker that has a leather blue-suited man with an N on his forehead. he thinks it stands for Nutcracker since it is a very cute nutcracker. she named it Rimmer because he thought its a cute name for him. </p><p>"Thanks, Uncle Kryten," said LIster and a very cute tone. Kryten pat Lister in the head "I heard that Nutcracker is a very special Cracker. when its a Christmas midnight it came to life!" "Really!?" asked Lister "Yes it does!" said Kryten "why?" "because you literally need a boyfriend." Lister cried when he heard it also I kicked Kryten out of the story for roasting Lister "HEY ITS NOT MINE FAULT IT WAS RAPHAEL!" SO WHAT KRYTEN, IM RAPHALE RIMMER-LISTER GODANN IT SO I CAN DO WHATEVER THE SMEG I WANT! I CREATED RAPHAEL SO I CAN CONTROL RAPHAEL!!! so anyways the new uncle is now a Good Omens character called  <strong>Crowley</strong>. "Hi I'm <strong>Crowley</strong> and I probably belong to this so-called "Red Dwarf' fandom! even though my actor Davie Tent was on it. *swipers* uh I mean he was a voice thingy on the 3 million years thing and shit." <strong>Crowley</strong>... shut up. SO ANYWAYS  two of Lister's siblings' name Jim and Bexley with their long lost sister/brother Raphale? wait...why I'm on this? ah who cares I probably am a Red dwarf character. they all wanted the nutcracker but their mother told them all to share but they just doesn't of course. they just kept pushing and shuffing that's when the nutcracker head cameout "I'm Gay." said the Rimmer The Nutcracker. luckily nobody listen or even heard a word he said. Lister cried and thought he's dead. his father made her go to bed early. he yelled at the 3 siblings braking Lister's nutcracker and how special it really was to him. so he made the 3 of them go to bed early. the mother put so bandad so Lister thinks its healed. </p><p> </p><p>At a late night, Lister can not sleep because what they did to the nutcracker. so go want quietly to the living room to find the nutcracker, he found out it had a banded so he took it off. the nutcracker wake at Lister. he blush  and drops it. he feels dizy and feel like the room is getting bigger "what the smeg is going on?!" told Lister. Lister close his eyes until he felt a pat in his head. it was Rimmer The Nutcracker. LIster blush even more and asked "uh um h-hello? um what happen?" Rimmer helps him to get up. "well its a midnight and just like what he just said, and I am a very sp- yeah you probably know what happen here." "Then why I'm small?" "well were both small (well you're smaller, cause of hight) anyways if you want us to go back to normal!" "wait!" interrupted Lister. "what do you mean by "Us"?" Question Lister. "well you see, I wasn't an nutcracker. i used to be a human like you!" "what happen?" "so i was mining my own bussinus like everybody does. then this git guy said "hey you want to get a promotion!'' I thought he meant by get the smeg out of second technition." (ok so like they both the same age as you guys know what age they are. just saying) "then you got curse" "no, then he wanted me to sit on this weird stais thing he called. he said it will frezee time but he lied and he groped a nutcracker and now am this ugly toy!" "your not that ugly, you look kind if cute though" Rimmer blush and mumbles a lot "oh, shut up. just be happy that were not dead!" "yeah about that! how come you're not dead and not look like an ugly nutcracker like the others! beside i thought Unlce Kryten (or <strong>Crowley) </strong>said those Magical things because it looks like it" "that's because what they said is wrong." angely said Rimmer. "think of me as Elf on the self! i can move but not around people. luckily these eyes are plastic and I don't worried about drying them!" "oh then how do we both go back to normal?" question Lister again, Rimmer tried to remember when he firstly because a nutcracker. "if i can remember" thought Rimmer "I think I once saw a paper said how to reverse this... whatever the smeg this is! it said that only a first love kiss works." Rimmer and Lister both blush harder and had a awcared stare. "uhhh this is not good." they both replied. "wait a minute I'm not Gay! er well a little!" said Rimmer "and I'm Bisexual!!" "well why your uncle gave you me as a nutcracker!?" "well everyone knows that I'm bisexual and my girlfriend broke up with me and I was single for a very long time!" "explains a lot." said Rimmer. they both feel a earthquake and then a loud music! "AH HA! IT IS I!" said a very king looking cat. "who the hell are you!" yelled Rimmer, "I'm King Cat! and I'm wearing a hat with a bat in my hand!" "ok Dr. Seuss." roasted Lister. "i feel a bit hungry! i guess i should eat a monkey or among you 3! "actually there 2 me and Listy" "SILENTS! as i was saying i want to a nice beat! a beat that tatse sweet! i know who! YOU!" the king cat pointed at Lister, Rimmer grab his sword and say "You are not gonna eat my love!" "my what?" said Lister confuse. "GET HER!" yelled King Cat, the 5 cat gardes kidnapped Lister "HEY YOU CAN DO THAT! ME DOWN!" Rimmer angerly ran to the kart and jumped to the top of the kart. they were going outside in the snow. he was hiding aside the tree Rimmer herad a chat about why they gonna put Lister at. Rimmer got a idea he have to diguish himself as a cat and act like a a rapper. and so he did</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>R I M M E R   T H E    N U T C R A C K E R</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Ending and interruptions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>if you're asexual then please don't imagine Rimmer naked</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Yo, my people! I'm here for the entertainment for the King called the king Cat in a hat with a bat!" nervously said Rimmer in disguise. the 2  guards cats laugh at him and let him into the building "gits" quietly said, Rimmer. he saw Lister with another Cat guard, luckily Rimmer brought a laser pointer to distracted the Cat. "wait. no don't tell me!'' sadly he forgot it, but he has a brilliant plan so he did <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XK4S8OQPuU">a little stupid dance. </a></p><p>it worked! ish. the door doesn't have a lock (for some reason) they both ran away when the King cat found them and made all the guards catfight the 2 of them. "Rimmer they're gonna kill us!'' "not if I fight back!" Rimmer got his sword and fight all the cats but they weren't trained to fight so they all runaways. Rimmer looks disappointed and did a facepalm. "Well I can fight!" said the King Cat grab one of the Cat guard's sword. </p><p> </p><p>too lazy to write a fight part just imagine that okay!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"TAKE THAT!" yelled Rimmer when he stabbed King Cat heart. "you have defeated me but when I'm a ghost I will end you all! I'll make all the cat ghost fa bak-" he was dead. "well that was. strange." said Lister hugging Rimmer. "oh yeah thanks for saving me" thanked Lister. "I-i um no probably I am a hero after all" they both left the snow place or something. "its almost daylight. it was really nice being with you, Rimmer." "yeah I'm not like this at all but no I feel-" Lister kissed Rimmer in the mouth. then they both became back to normal. "you were saying?" asked Lister smiling at him. "uh, Hey! were both back to normal!!! that was a first love kiss?" "have you ever kiss a girl?" "yeah but never a boy!" Lister push Rimmer. "oh shut up, nutcracker." and he kissed him again. Rimmer likes it. the whole family saw what happen and *sigh* (this is very me) Raphale took a picture of them too kissing.  "nice boyfriend!" yelled/Laughing the 3 siblings. "HEY! AT LEAST I'M HUMAN!?" said Rimmer, "AHHH THE NUTCRACKER IS BIG AND NAKED" yelled the mother "oh, I guess the spell didn't fit me in the suit, Heh sorry everyone!" "what happens to the nutcracker?" question Bexley. "well it's a long story that you might would not believe" answer Lister.  "at least he's good looking!" said the father "Oh shut up!" both Rimmer and Lister yelled.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>Cat interrupted the story "hey! why Rimmer the nutcracker is naked?"  "because the suit was plastic and too small for him. I don't know its physic not god's magic!" replied Raphael.</p><p>"Why I'm out if the story!" question Kryten, "You really think I'm Transgender?" also question Lister. "And why do I have to be the handsome nutcracker!?" question Rimmer hiding in the shadows. Raphael was nervous so he replied, "how the heavens did you come back here?"  "ask Lister why he kissed me in the story." then Raphael snapped and tells all there answers in an um... weird way. "ALRIGHT ITS BECAUSE KRYTEN IS NOT THAT INTERESTING,  CAT LOOK LIKE A KING, I THOUGHT LISTER IS TRANS OR NON-BINARY, AND RIMMER SO SMEGGING HOT AND GAY. and I kind of ship Rimmer and Lister." Raphael blushes and felt ashamed. they all laugh, "Hey, Raph man, the story is very us. Kryten sometime a bit, not himself, Cat is like a villain, and my gender is weird, at least you got Rimmer right mostly. besides, we married for about?" Lister forgot how long so Rimmer replied saying it was 8 years. "its a nice story, also how did you know my kids?" "oh, Nathaniel told me everything about you 4 before I got in Red Dwarf! plus I heard you got a lost one.'' "we rather not talking about. that one," said Rimmer disappointed. "what a minute Nathaniel? the fire angel?" shocked Rimmer Lister was confused "who is Nathaniel? how does he know everything about us?" "he's an Angel that kind of look like you but more... Angely? usually, he just is alone by himself but I guess he has nothing to do so he just I guess look at everything on earth, Mars, Ganymede and other human planets. even though that's Aziraphale job (he did a bad job)" said Raphael. "I'm still so confused." said Lister "don't worry about it," said Rimmer grabbing Lister's arm.  </p><p>"uhhh, guys! I think there a tape on that lighty thing?" said the Cat. Cat took the tape off it said Starbug fuel is full. "what the smeg? I thought I was empty?" they all look at Raphael. "so how are we going back to Red dwarf? heh?" "RAPHAEL YOU GIT!" said Rimmer, "I thought you were a healing angel! not a prankster!" said Cat whining "Mr, Angelony sir this is ridiculous!" said Kryten "I can't believe you did this!? Why?" said Lister then Rimmer yelled very angrily "GIVE 3 GOOD REASON WHY YOU DID THIS BEFORE I WILL REPORT YOU TO GABRIEL!!" "Alright fine, I did this because I want you guys to get into Christmas, I know I'm an angel and this is a thing I have to do, but I understand now why you guys don't celebrate, you guys just hate each other that's not what Christmas all about. sorry for making you guys go through my mistake." Raphael started the Starbug feeling sad. the boys felt bad for him so they gave him a surprised.</p><p>Raphael sadly walking to the sleeping quarters taking all the Christmas stuff and teleport them to Heaven with a note said "Returning for the holiday. done early" then he started the cry and regretting what he did. Rimmer saw him crying so he just gave him an elevalote. and he follows Rimmer. Raphael smiles what he just saw all the Christmas stuff around the ship. there was presents, lights, many fake snow showing, nice Christmas food and a Tree with lights and a big angel, yes.  Angel. not a Star. at least the angel was Raphael that really weird I'm out. "did you guys really did this for me?" said Raphael, "well yeah we kind of feel bad for you and you were right, Christmas is a special holiday." said Lister hugging him not just Lister Kryten and Cat. "HEY alphabet head! you can hug him too!" said Cat, Rimmer doesn't like hugging people cause of his afterlife memories so he hug-ish him. "oh yeah here's a gift we made for you!" Lister gave him a present. "actually I and Kryten mostly did the work since these lazy gimboids just wanna sleep through." Raphael opens the present, it was a yearbook! with all the memories the 4 of them gone through including Raphael on it as well. all picture memories series 1- promised land. Raphael smiles and felt like he's useful and better than other Archangels, "this is the sweetest gift anybody ever gave me. nobody ever gave me a gift that nice before!" "Smeging same!" yelled Rimmer. and so they all have a nice first hilarious Christmas, The End even though this is part of demon rimmer story but I'm still working on it and their like 3 or 4 parts in order. there a DTIM (Demon Truly Inside Me) and there a new fanfiction coming in 2021 The Darkside and Comeback and Revenge, and last story The Middle.  I don't wanna spoil part 2 3 and 4, but part 1 is about Rimmer living in Hell and how he escaped it, part 2 is same as part 1but just Raphael and telling the Boys the truth about Rimmer, part 3 is Lucifer and other demons meet Boys From The Dwarf with a very beautiful moment and part 4 is the end of Red dwarf story. but I don't know if I should or should not make it. so yeah that the end sorry for talking over the fanfiction I am a comedian I tried my best to make things fun but I hate myself and my life. so yeah bye</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey. so Raphael is a good character? should he stay? (he's a gay healer so he's useful)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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